From his seat at a table in his drawing room, Quatre looked up. “Duo, you’re early…You’re never early.”
Without a word, Duo took what was tucked under his arm and tossed it onto the table. It skidded to a stop just an inch from Quatre’s arm.
As the blonde took in the nature of the object, he went through a gamut of colors before settling on a yellowish green. He brought a hand to his forehead before muttering, “How many tabloids are going to run this picture?”
“If you and Heero had something going on, you could have at least told the rest of us. I dropped a wrench on my foot when someone showed me that. I still don’t have any feeling in my big toe.”
“I don’t have anything going on with anyone,” said the blonde wearily. “You should know better than anyone that I don’t have the time--”
“Yeah, Yeah, blah, blah. Just tell me how this happened.”
Duo took one more glance at the tabloid cover before sitting. He’d looked at it numerous times but was still shocked each time. A photo of Heero pressing Quatre against a wall while the two were at some serious oral intercourse…what the fu—
“Duo, are you ok?”
“Yeah…sure.”
“Do you want the long or short version?”
Duo scratched his head. “How long is long?”
“A half an hour.”
“I have somewhere to be. Tell me the short version.”
“I was compromised,” said the blonde calmly.
“Well, obviously, you were more than compromised. Come on. That doesn’t explain anything.”
After a 60 second interval of silence, the blonde finally said, “You could have asked Heero.”
“Already tried. He pulled a gun on me and told me to get off his doorstep. So, I thought--”
“It would be safer to come to me.”
“Bingo. Now, start explaining. Because from this cover, it looks like I got two queer friends.”
“Duo, you shouldn’t--”
“I shouldn’t what? Point fingers? Hey, what I do on my vacations is nobody’s business--”
“Duo, I was going to say that you shouldn’t believe what you see in tabloids.”
“Oh…” Duo coughed. “So, there was no lip locking?”
“…” Quatre moved his gaze to the mug of coffee just by his hand and kept it there.
“Saliva swapping?” Duo tapped the tabloid with his finger. “Come on. It looks--”
“There was.”
Duo leaned forward. “There was what?”
“Saliva…”
“Swapping…” Duo sighed and threw up a hand. “Tell me
the long version, please.”
After returning his gaze to Duo, the blonde obliged. “I asked for Heero’s help. I was being spied on. It had been going on for some time, but I couldn’t tell who was responsible. I knew it but couldn’t prove it.”
“Gut feeling?”
“A gut feeling that grew into apprehension. With the Peace Caucus coming up and then considering what happened to Miss Relena…”
“Yeah…that was pretty bad,” murmured Duo. “She was lucky. If Heero hadn’t been there…”
“I know…” Quatre nodded. “I’d contacted Heero to ask him if he thought the same people were following me…”
“So, was it the same people?”
“He said that he’d already taken care of them.”
“Taken care of…He killed them? He said he’d never--”
Quatre shook his head. “I don’t think he went that far, but from his demeanor…”
Duo snorted. “If they’re not hospitalized, they’re at least gimped, but not temporarily.”
“Yes.”
“And you asked for his help knowing what kind of mood he was in?”
“I have to be honest. I panicked.”
Duo leaned back in his chair. “Yeah…given the Relena thing and last week’s bomb scare…” Duo shook his head, “Wait, but you were nowhere near--”
“I was supposed to be there, but I cancelled--”
“At the last minute,” murmured Duo. His expression changed. “Yeah, ok. Asking Heero was a good idea. Why couldn’t you depend on your bodyguards--”
“Heero is better at staying alive.”
“Yeah…he can pretty much survive anything.”
“For that reason, I asked him to take my place.”
Duo raised an eyebrow. “To go to the caucus for you?”
“Go as me…at least up until the point where I would give my speech.”
“Eh?”
“I wanted him to assume my identity.” Quatre picked up his mug of coffee, but he didn’t drink from it.
“…Ok, that’s just plain crazy. Heero?? As you?”
Nonchalant, Quatre responded, “In regards to appearance, other than my pale skin and blonde hair, we’re not dissimilar. The difference in eye color is negligible.”
“Uhh, you’re smaller.”
Quatre put down his coffee. “Not so. I did the measurements.”
“Measurements…what did you measure?”
“Duo...”
“Don’t give me that look. It was a joke…unless…you--”
“Duo.”
“Ok, fine. Heero agreed to this?”
“Yes, but that’s not all. I would take his place as well.”
“Crossdressing?”
Quatre tried not to appear exasperated. “Duo, that’s not the right term. We switched identities, not genders. Wait…that’s not quite right…we’re both men so we wouldn’t gender switch between the two of us--”
Duo waved away his explanation. “Ok, I get it…but wait. In order to take your place, wouldn’t that mean that Heero had to wear make-up to look pale?”
“Yes...”
An expression that was a mix of wonder and unease marked Duo as he said, “And you got him to wear a wig?”
“We were equally inconvenienced.”
“Ok…all of that means that…in this photo…you’re the one pushing Heero against the wall. You’re the one…”
“Correct.”
“This is getting weird.”
“We’re only halfway through. Heero joined me and my employees at the hotel we were staying...”
After 20 seconds of waiting for the blonde to continue, Duo knocked on the table to get his attention. “What’s with all the pauses? Keep going.”
The blonde continued, albeit reluctantly. “As Heero, I pretended to be my own attendant. I usually move around with one at my side, so there was nothing unusual about my behavior…our behavior…except that we were...” The blonde sighed and continued on, “We kept to my daily routine. On the morning the photo was taken, we did just that. We left just after lunch and we returned to the hotel just after dinner.
“Just as we entered the hotel, a bellhop rushed out and told us that my employees had been poisoned. We didn’t waste any time. We left immediately after we were informed that it was the food that had been sent to the room…”
“Whoa.”
“I had not eaten any full meals in the past days, given the stress, but I had taken a brownie off the serving cart in our room before we left that afternoon. I didn’t finish it, but I had taken two bites. And, even before we had returned to the hotel, I had been feeling out of sorts…”
“And then, after finding out about the poison, you were scared shitless.”
“While I would hesitate to use that phrasing, yes. There was a hospital a short distance from the hotel. Not wanting to draw any more attention by calling an ambulance, we thought it was best to walk me over there. I was sick but not on the verge of death. I was simply compromised.”
“Compromised?”
Quatre sighed and nodded. “I don’t know what was in that brownie but it hit me as we were walking.”
“What hit you?”
“A pink elephant,” clarified the blonde.
“Right…”
“By that time, I was unsteady and had to latch onto something for support.”
“Heero?”
“Yes…but I didn’t know that at the time…A concession stand had offered to help me.”
“Quatre, this is too trippy, even for me.”
“The explanation is almost over. I’m not sure why…but I felt hungry all of a sudden and…”
“And…”
“I pushed the concession stand against the wall. It was difficult to choose what I wanted while it was in motion.”
Duo shook his head. “I know where this is going.”
“I thought Heero was a jelly donut…”
“And you tried to eat him…in public.” Duo sighed. All of it was too absurd. “This all happened because some nutjobs were trying to kill you?”
The blonde’s voice fell to a murmur as he said, “No one was trying to kill me. I was wrong. Everything was a mistake.”
Duo looked confused. “So your attendants weren’t poisoned?”
“They were…it was food poisoning.”
“Arsenic?”
“Salmonella,” replied Quatre.
“Oh. Well, what about the brownie?”
“I think one of my employees has a substance abuse problem,” whispered Quatre discreetly.
“And the people tailing you?”
Quatre sighed. “It was only one person, the photographer who took this picture. He’d been tailing me because he thought something interesting would happen, given my connections.”
Duo snorted, “No kidding. But how did you and Heero, of all people, fail to realize it was just a photographer?”
“He wasn’t just a photographer.”
“Eh?”
“His expertise…we didn’t realize his true intent…because we were dealing with someone on our level.”
“An operative?”
“A former one,” replied the blonde. “Although the strife between colonies and Earth has subsided and, as a result, he’s changed fields, old habits die hard. Consequently--”
“You weren’t mistaken when you felt that someone dangerous was tailing you.”
The blonde sank down in his chair. “Yes, he’s dangerous, dangerously ambitious. However, everything else that occurred resulted out of my paranoia and a series of peculiar coincidences.”
“So…what now?”
Quatre looked back at Duo. “I don’t understand.”
“You’re going to try to get a retraction, right?”
“Duo, there’s no way to undo this without making things worse. The only blessing is that, because of the angle the photo was taken, our faces aren’t clearly visible. Therefore, we can hope lingering doubt--”
“Will keep everything under control. But, hey, didn’t they ask you about it?”
“The press requested a statement and they were told that it was an insult to acknowledge such disreputable material.”
“Yeah…suspicious but smart.” Duo glanced at his watch. “Crap, I’m going to be late.” He got up from his seat. “You took longer than a half an hour.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll walk you out.”
Duo laughed to himself. “Heero’s going to get some serious ribbing from me the next time I see him.”
“Duo, leave him alone.”
“Heero can take it.”
“Not without drawing a gun.”
“Good point.”
Quatre opened the door and he and Duo walked out onto the front steps. “Duo.”
“What?”
“If you run into Trowa and Wufei, could you--”
Duo shook his head before waving away Quatre’s partial entreaty. “Forget it. They barely take me seriously as it is.”
“I guess you’re right.”
Just as Duo was about to go on his way, something fat and troublesome buzzed in front of his nose. “What the fuck?” He swatted at it.
“Don’t--”
Too late. In one frustrated whack, Duo had slapped the annoying insect against his face.
“Just great,” muttered Duo as he looked at the bug guts on his hand.
“It’s on your…”
“I know it’s on my face. Just get it off.”
Quatre lifted a hand.
“Don’t smear it on me,” griped Duo.
“I won’t.” Just as Quatre was about to flick the remainder of a gooey, battered wing off Duo’s face there was a flash.
“Shit,” muttered Duo while turning around.
“Not again,” murmured Quatre while looking tired and annoyed. He dropped his hand.
Duo sighed and brought his attention back to his frustrated friend. “Don’t worry about it. Your hand was on my mouth. It’s way better than having your tongue there, right?”
“Right…” murmured Quatre as he closed his eyes and prayed
that the photographer hadn’t supplemented his current employ with audio
surveillance.