“Man, you see what Heero eats, Quatre! There's no way in hell I'm swallowing his cum!!!” griped Duo. He brought his fists down on the table for emphasis, consequently spilling some of the water from his and Quatre's glasses.
The blond half covered his face with his hand and slid down a little in his seat as he whispered discreetly, “Duo, could you please keep it down? People are staring…”
“Huh?” Duo turned to peer at the restaurant's patrons. Most of them were pushing seventy and they were staring at him with their mouths agape. Duo chuckled nervously before waving back at the astounded geriatric population. They flinched. It was just his luck Quatre decided that lunching at a place so close to a golf resort was such a good idea. Duo turned back to Quatre, who had, momentarily, stopped sinking lower in his seat.
Once again, in a discreet, low voice, Quatre spoke again. He toyed with his garden salad but his gaze was on Duo as he asked, “Does Heero swallow?”
“Well, yeah,” muttered Duo. “But you see how and what he eats. So, it's not exactly a compliment. If something has stopped moving or mooing or clucking, according to him, it's edible.”
“That's not the point, Duo,” murmured Quatre as he speared some lettuce with his fork. “He swallows so you swallow. It's common courtesy. Sexual etiquette, in fact.” The fork was brought to Quatre's mouth.
“Sexual etiquette!!! Give me a break. I told you what he eats. Just imagine what it tastes like!”
“Ummm…Duo.” Quatre slid a little lower in his seat. “You're shouting again.”
“What?” Duo peered back at Quatre. The blond seemed on the verge of hiding behind his napkin. Someone very near to Duo cleared his throat. When Duo didn't react to the noise, the person cleared his throat again, but this time a bit gruffly.
Both Quatre and Duo turned to look at the source of the semi crotchety noise. They turned to look at the restaurant's manager.
“Is there a problem with the meal, gentlemen?”
“Err…no, everything is fine,” responded Duo. This utterance was followed by his most innocent smile. He looked like a little kid who'd just hit a ball into a church's stained glass window.
The manager raised an eyebrow and leaned forward. “I wouldn't think so since you were just heard shouting: just imagine what it tastes like. If there is a problem with the salads, it would be more courteous for you to call for a waiter and request either a refund or a replacement. We will gladly oblige.” The manager suddenly turned from a sweating, sheepishly grinning Duo to Quatre. The manager squinted. He could only see Quatre from the nose up. The rest of the blonde's body was hidden by the table. “Excuse me, sir, but there seems to be a problem with your chair…it's swallowing you whole.”
At the word “swallowing” Duo made a face. It was a disgruntled expression Quatre didn't miss and, unconsciously, he began to slide further down in his chair. His eyebrows and hair were the only visible parts of him at that point. But then he realized what was happening, and clumsily managed to sit himself upright in his chair (this was accomplished after momentarily becoming stuck under the table then by banging his knees against the table as he scooted his way up.)
“Could we possibly have the check now,” asked a red-faced Quatre who was on the verge of passing out in embarrassment. Everyone was staring at their table. There is nothing more scrutinizing than the combined gaze of 20-odd wrinkled faces.
“Gladly,” responded the manager and walked off.
“Ok, now that penguin boy is out of the way, how do I get myself out of this, Quatre?”
Quatre looked back at Duo sighed, “What do you usually do when Heero ummm…reaches that point, Duo?”
“Me? Are you kidding? I dodge. But now I get the feeling that Heero's aiming at my face. He's hit me once on my forehead and once on my cheek. He's going to take out one of my eyes at this rate…”
“…” Quatre squirmed in his chair. “I can't believe we're talking about this.”
“Well, I didn't know who else to turn to. Heero's being creepy. He keeps making all these milky beverages and just sits there watching me drink them…I can't live like this anymore.”
“Why do you drink them?”
“Because…ummm….where are you going with this?”
“Answer the question, Duo.”
Duo scratched the back of his neck and muttered, “Because Heero's gets touchy when I don't eat what he makes.”
“There's the answer to your dilemma, Duo. Make Heero happy.”
Duo watched as the check was placed on their table. There was nothing he could say in his defense that wouldn't make him sound like a complete asshole.